my vo1d

Although I've pretended for years, I don't know what it takes to be a man. Nonetheless, they've treated me as one.

Guess I'm back. A lot has happened. Some things were good, some are even great. And some make me go insane. HRT shows progress, but not with my anxiety.

I still feel like have no community that I belong to. And learning new things is hard rn.

but i feel like getting back to coding, so that's good.

I fear the man in the mirror. I fear his ugliness. I fear that he follows me outside. I fear that he lets everyone know. I fear that he gets more noticeable. I fear that HRT won’t stop him. I fear that he’ll never leave me alone.

I finally found some queer peers not that far away. It helped me feeling less lonely because they all understand what i ponder on.

I hope that my mind gets some time to rest.

The last weeks have been rough. I am trying to find to myself, figuring out who i really want to be. A therapist told me that there is likely no definitive conclusion about who I am. And this leads me to trying shit out. Ngl it is somewhat freeing.

I am not and i cannot stress this enough feeling fergalicious rn